How to Make Friends as an Adult: Building Healthy Friendships

Humans are social animals, and relationships of all kinds are an essential aspect of well-being. Within a culture that emphasizes romantic connection, the benefits of friendship can often be overlooked. Friends provide us with companionship, support through our ups and downs, and even a protective buffer against depression and anxiety. Studies from around the world have proven that friendship not only fortifies our mental health but can even protect us from physical ailments and improve longevity. A meta-analysis of 148 studies found individuals with close friendships to have a 50% increased chance of survival, indicating that friendship can even serve as a protective factor against premature death.

Although research has demonstrated the myriad benefits associated with friendship, it’s important to note that any relationship must be healthy in order to be beneficial. Whether it be a casual acquaintance or a lifelong best friend, knowing how to make friends as an adult and how to meet new people involves recognizing our boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships at every level.

Different Types of Friendships

Friendships can be thought of as existing along a continuum. Generally, the closer the friendship, the more health benefits there are to be reaped. That being said, just as important as it is to have close friends who you can share everything with, it can also be valuable to hold more casual friendships. There are four “buckets” of friendship that different relationships along the closeness continuum can be grouped into:

1. Acquaintances

Acquaintances represent the beginning of the friendship spectrum. These are people that we know loosely and don’t have much of a personal relationship with. They are usually not people we spend time with individually but might instead be friends of friends, co-workers we interact with occasionally, or social media connections. Acquaintanceship is generally the most superficial form of friendship, but can easily evolve into a deeper connection. 

2. Casual Friends

Casual friends are normally situation specific; like friends we see in class or at work. While casual friendships aren’t necessarily activity-dependent, these relationships usually form over a mutual interest or responsibility, like a shared sport. The appeal of casual friendships is not only the opportunity for company in our daily lives, but also the benefits of friendship without a lot of pressure.

3. Close Friends

Close friends are people we connect with on multiple levels. We often share values and common interests with our close friends, and they might be a part of our inner social circles. Support systems are often made up of close friends, and these should be people you feel comfortable opening up to, individuals whose presence comforts you, and who you feel you know deeply. 

4. Lifelong/Best Friends

Our best friends don’t have to be people we’ve known our whole lives, but are often figures we see being present in our futures. Lifelong friends charge our social batteries just through their presence, and they should be people who know you to your core. These are friends who we love and admire, who we plan to grow and change with, as well as friends who we trust to understand our boundaries. 

Why Adult Friendships Are Important

At any level of friendship there needs to be a dynamic that involves equity, respect, and honesty. We’ve seen that different types of relationships can benefit us in a variety of ways, but a friendship can only be beneficial so long as it is healthy. A healthy friendship is one that benefits both parties equally; this means both individuals’ needs are taken into account and both sides are putting in effort. 

How to foster a healthy friendship:

• Know your own boundaries: understanding your own emotional bandwidth is essential for knowing how much you can support your friends at any given time. If your emotional resources are tapped, it might do more harm than good to try to help a friend through a hard time. 
• Communicate: Being able to tell your friends when you need support and whether you can offer support at that time will set the foundation for a good friendship. Kindly let your friends know where you’re at to avoid boundaries being crossed and to indicate to them that you care about keeping them in the loop.
• Remain open minded: Make sure to be non-judgmental and open-armed when listening to your friends. When confiding in a friend, people are usually not looking for criticism but instead want to be heard and supported. Assume the best of your friends unless you are given a reason not to, and remember to be on your friend’s side when you can. 
• Nurture the friendship: Reach out, make plans, accept invitations to hang out. If you are interested in maintaining the friendship, make it known that you value spending time with this person. Once established, a relationship will not continue without both individuals involved making an effort to be a friend to one another. 

Recognizing Unhealthy Friendships

In order to build a strong support network, it is also necessary to be able to identify an unhealthy friendship. Not every relationship is bound to be beneficial, and we shouldn’t just accept poor friendships in the name of racking up connections. An unhealthy relationship can bring unnecessary stress and negative emotions to our life and it is generally better for both people if a toxic friendship is ended or given space.

Here are some signs of an unhealthy friendship:

• The dynamic feels competitive and you feel like you are constantly being one-upped or trying to one-up your friend.
• Boundaries are being crossed and your friend often makes you feel uncomfortable or mentally drained. If there is a disregard for your emotional capacity, this boundary either needs to be set or the relationship needs to change. 
• There is a lack of trust and you don’t feel that you can tell your friend personal information without it being shared. A lack of trust could also mean you don’t feel that your friend is reliable, you might be reluctant to make plans or ask for help if they are constantly canceling on you. 
• Repeated cruelty is always a sign to take a step back from a relationship. If your friend often criticizes you harshly, makes rude comments, or humiliates you, they may not be a friend worth having. In general if a friend makes you feel badly about yourself, something is off. 
• Manipulation is never acceptable in any form of friendship. Feeling guilt-ridden and persistently on edge because of someone else’s actions is not normal and should not be tolerated. 

Be a Friend to Yourself

To take part in healthy friendships or weed out bad ones, you must also have your own best interest in mind. Know yourself and how you are able to show up for others. Understand your boundaries and communicate them with friends if you feel your needs are not being met. Practicing self-compassion and kind self-talk can be a good reminder of how you deserve to be treated by friends and how you can make your friends feel valued.

Friendships are also malleable, and they tend to morph as we move through different life stages. One healthy friendship might not resemble another, and one relationship can change drastically as time goes on. Try not to stress over the natural ebb and flow of your friendships, sometimes communication wanes or you can’t find time to hang out, these are normal parts of balancing our friendships and our individual lives. 

How We Help Young Adults Foster Strong, Healthy Friendships

It is well established that social connection correlates with better mental health outcomes — strong friendships are associated with better social connectedness, feelings of support, companionship, and a healthier sense of self.

At The Dorm, we are proud to offer a community-centered approach, providing a safe and affirming space for clients to connect both during and outside treatment sessions. Our research also demonstrates the importance of community, with our model leading to a 32% reduction in peer rejection, which means increased socialization and a feeling that others care for their well-being. 

In addition to our community model, our programming also targets skills that are important for friendship building. In individual and group sessions, clients learn various DBT skills that help with interpersonal functioning. One example is the DEARMAN skill, which assists with communicating needs, working through conflict, and setting boundaries. Learn more about our community-based treatment approach.

References:

• Alsarrani A, Hunter R, Dunne L, Garcia L. Association between friendship quality and subjective wellbeing in adolescents: a cross-sectional observational study. Lancet. 2023 Nov;402 Suppl 1:S21. doi: 10.1016/S0140-6736(23)02108-6. PMID: 37997061.
• Field, B. (2023, July). How to Set Boundaries With Friends – and Why It’s Necessary. APA Monitor. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-set-boundaries-with-friends-7503205#citation-2
• Sanjana, G. (2023, October). How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life. APA Monitor. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-types-of-friendship-7975881#toc-signs-of-a-bad-friend
• Abrams, Z. (2023, June). The science of why friendships keep us healthy. APA Monitor. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2023/06/cover-story-science-friendship
• Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB (2010) Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. PLoS Med 7(7): e1000316. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
• Cleary, M., Lees, D., & Sayers, J. (2018). Friendship and Mental Health. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 39(3), 279–281. https://doi.org/10.1080/01612840.2018.1431444