Tough Conversations With Family During the Holiday Season

The holiday season invites families across the country to gather and reminisce on the previous year and celebrate new beginnings. Though associated with joy and family connection, the reality of this time of year looks very different—according to a 2023 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association (APA), 89% of adults in the U.S. experience stress related to the holiday season. This can be further exacerbated in families with differing beliefs, where conversations have the potential to become emotionally volatile. 

There is never an obligation to participate in a discussion or debate with anyone, and that includes family. If feelings of discomfort arise, you have the full autonomy to take a step back. Taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being is a top priority, especially if that means you may need to take yourself out of an uncomfortable situation. Whether you’d like to participate or not is your decision, and your decision only.

However, if you have decided to participate in conversation with family, it is still just as important to maintain your own mental health. Partner & Chief Clinical Officer at The Dorm, Amanda Fialk, PhD, LCSW, LICSW, has shared four tips on how to approach sensitive family conversations and manage emotional well-being during the holiday season. 

1. Prepare in Advance

Acknowledging potential differing beliefs and developing a plan to navigate sensitive discussions can be helpful in any family conversation. Deciding on off-limit topics, discussing sensitive topics only in certain areas or rooms of the house, or creating other “rules” for conversations are all great examples of potential plans to prevent emotional escalation.

2. Be Mindful of Your Language

When partaking in discussion on a sensitive topic, things can easily escalate. Ensure that you try your best to stay calm, and apply the following tips to better communicate your thoughts: 

• Ask Open Questions
  • Asking questions can open up a conversation, whereas talking at someone can make them feel attacked and thus cause them to shut down. For example, saying “I wonder how you think our neighbor, who identifies as transgender, could be affected by these policies?” can be an effective opener to a more productive dialogue.
• Use “I” Statements
  • In communicating needs, phrases such as “I feel uncomfortable, I need to step out” versus “you’re making me uncomfortable, I need to step out” may be better received by the other party.
• Employ a DBT Skill: DEARMAN
  • DEARMAN is an acronym learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT, to improve interpersonal communication. In depth, DEARMAN stands for:
    • Describe, if necessary, the current situation.
    • Express how you feel about the situation.
    • Assert yourself through setting clear boundaries or being straightforward in asking what you want.
    • Reinforce the other party by explaining a positive effect of your wants or needs.
    • Be mindful of your goals, and try your best to not get distracted. Keep making your point, even if the other party tries to disrupt or change the subject.
    • Appear confident and competent by using a strong tone of voice and making good eye contact.
    • Negotiate possible solutions to the problem, and be willing to compromise on other things to get what you want.

3. Engage in Activities Where Conversations Can Be Refocused

During the holiday season, many families participate in planned service activities, including volunteering for soup kitchens or donating to food drives. Planned service activities during family gatherings creates a focus on doing good, and helps to start a new conversation that takes the heat off sensitive topics. Getting involved in service is a great way to unite individuals who may disagree on other issues.

4. Manage Your Emotional Well-Being

With or without emotionally charged conversations, the holiday season is still a source of stress for many individuals. Here are some reminders to help maintain mental and emotional wellness:

• Acknowledge Feelings Without Judgment
  • Identifying your feelings is a great first step towards managing your emotional well-being. Make sure to do so without self-criticism, as judgment further adds to the stress.
• Practice Self-Care
  • Exercise, yoga, mindfulness, meditation, aroma therapy, warm baths, and proper sleep and nutrition are just some ways to take care of yourself in stressful moments. 
• Get Involved in Service
  • The holidays represent a time of gratitude, and getting involved in service can provide a greater sense of connection and purpose.

Regardless of your choice to participate in conversation with family or not, these tips can be helpful for all individuals. When shared during a Parent Collective session, family members of Dorm clients expressed a sense of relief in preparation for the holiday season, remarking, “I hadn’t thought about developing a plan, but now I feel much more optimistic about the holidays if we can put a plan in place.” We greatly appreciate Dr. Fialk for providing us with these valuable tips on tough holiday conversations and how to manage holiday stress.

For more information on The Dorm’s services in young adult intensive outpatient programming, visit our website, thedorm.com.