Comparing ourselves to others is a natural human tendency, but in today’s hyper-connected world, self-comparison can become a significant source of stress. For families and loved ones navigating a young adult’s unique treatment and recovery journey, these pressures are further compounded by the lingering stigma surrounding mental health challenges.
To help address this common stressor among new family members at The Dorm, we spoke with the clinical leader of our popular Family Support Group for current and alumni families at The Dorm. He shares insights into the impact of self-comparison on parents of young adults in treatment and offers practical strategies for reframing these experiences. He also explores why finding a supportive community can be one of the most powerful tools for resilience.
Thanks for being here with us! To start, from a therapist’s perspective, why do you think we compare ourselves to others? What purpose does it serve?
The Dorm Clinician: When we interact with others, we look to them not just for connection but also as a mirror—helping us gauge how closely we align with societal standards or “norms.” This is a very human experience. This tendency serves an important function, especially in childhood, aiding in socialization and social learning. It helps us fit in and contribute to society.
However, as complex human beings, self-comparison can also come with a lot of nuance and tension. It can be disorienting when others’ external expressions don’t match how we’re feeling inside, or what our private experiences are, and this can create a certain discord.
Another complexity of self-comparison—and the question of how “normal” we are—is that what’s normal is highly individual. What’s normal for one person may not be normal for another. There’s a significant cultural component to this, one that could take a lifetime to fully understand, but our minds don’t always factor that in when we compare ourselves to what we see in our communities or online. When we compare ourselves in ways that fail to account for our own unique circumstances, it can lead us to feel abnormal, which can trigger feelings of loneliness and stress.
When do you see self-comparison come up most often for parents at The Dorm?
The Dorm Clinician: These feelings tend to surface during major transitional periods for young adults, particularly in the summer and around the holidays.
Summer brings milestones like high school and college graduations, and parents often find themselves comparing their child’s path to others. They might hear, “My kid is heading to XYZ school,” or “My child just graduated and is starting a new job,” from their peers, while they’re grappling with the reality that their own child took a leave, is on a different trajectory, or is still figuring things out.
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Holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas, also bring these comparisons to the forefront. Family gatherings and social events naturally involve updates about others’ accomplishments, and parents may feel unsure about how to respond. Many describe moments of discomfort—being asked about their child’s progress at a graduation party or a holiday event and feeling pressure to come up with a quick, socially acceptable answer rather than sharing the full, complex reality.
This is where community becomes essential. When parents share these experiences in our support groups, there’s often a collective sigh of relief—realizing they’re not alone and they’re experience is much more common than they thought. That shared understanding fosters connection, and many parents find themselves returning week after week, drawn to a space where they feel seen and supported.
Within this Family Support Group at The Dorm, can you put us in the perspective of a parent or family member who feels stuck in a cycle of self-comparison?
The Dorm Clinician: Taking a step back, it’s important to keep in mind that each young adult in treatment is on a unique path—one that often looks very different from typical journeys we see in mainstream media for example. When a family member feels stress around that difference, they’re actually having a very “normal” response to a situation that they’re experiencing as uncommon or unrelatable. It’s important to reassure them that this stress they’re feeling isn’t wrong, and they shouldn’t feel ashamed by the stress.
One of the first barriers these family members may encounter with their reactions is that they’ve internalized society’s stigma around mental health concerns and substance use disorders. Confronting this when parents come into The Dorm through parent coaching, family therapy, or groups like The Family Support Group or The Parent Collective can begin to dismantle and reframe their anxiety around feeling different.
Compounding feelings of self-comparison is the fact that The Dorm is located in some of the most high-achieving cities in the world, where there may be additional focus on traditional markers of success—accomplishment, career progression, and goal attainment. For families who haven’t necessarily been exposed to different paths, some of the work involves broadening their perspective of non-linear growth, creative solutions, and forging new journeys for their young adult that may not be enjoying or finding their place in the more traditional stories they’ve coded as markers of success.
So why does self comparison negatively impact a family member’s mental health in these situations?
The Dorm Clinician: It can feel isolating when a parent or family member doesn’t see the same struggles reflected day-to-day in their peer group. They see other parents raising high-achieving children and may begin to question themselves: What does this say about me as a parent? Am I failing? Am I underachieving? They may also internalize societal stigma around mental health without realizing it, unintentionally reinforcing the same biases they’re struggling against.
This is why a space like The Family Support Group is so powerful. It’s a place where parents don’t have to explain themselves or justify their situation.
Can you speak more about what we know about building community to fight the anxiety around self-comparison cycles?
The Dorm Clinician: It’s important to acknowledge that self-comparison isn’t inherently bad—it has adaptive aspects. The challenge comes when we compare ourselves to others without knowing their full story. Too often, we compare our internal struggles to someone else’s carefully curated external presentation, especially on social media. We may logically understand that this isn’t fair, but emotionally, we still draw those comparisons.
That’s where community and group support make all the difference. When parents step into a group setting and hear others’ stories, the entire dynamic shifts. They get out of their own heads, start to see their experiences reflected in others, and realize they’re not alone. That sense of shared humanity is powerful—and it’s the foundation of why group support is so effective.
Over time, as parents continue to listen and share, they develop a deeper awareness: This isn’t just my struggle. This is something many people experience. That realization can be incredibly freeing.
Just last night, for example, a parent in the group said, “Everyone here is a great parent. Everyone here is doing the best they can. Just by the fact that you’re here, showing up every Thursday, you’re great parents.”
That’s such a powerful message, and it’s one parents won’t necessarily hear from their friends or families who haven’t walked this path. They can only receive that validation from others who truly understand their experience.
As a long-practicing therapist, have you noticed an increase in self-comparison since social media became mainstream across generations?
The Dorm Clinician: Social media has many benefits, but it requires intentional use. It has expanded people’s ability to connect with others in ways that weren’t possible before, broadening communities. However, these connections can be superficial. Social media alone can’t sustain meaningful relationships.
At the same time, we need to take seriously the concerns raised by the U.S. Surgeon General around social media, especially regarding adolescents and teenagers. Research shows that it can be a risk factor for mental health struggles in young people. As adult family members, we need to be mindful of our own social media habits—how it shapes our self-perception and self esteem, and, in turn, how that impacts the young adults in our lives. There is a growing body of research emphasizing the importance of limiting social media reliance and being more intentional in how we use it.
When self-comparison becomes a real struggle, are there specific therapeutic tools or forms of therapy that you recommend to help parents break out of these negative feedback loops?
The Dorm Clinician: Absolutely. I always encourage the parents I work with—whether in coaching, parent support groups, or individual sessions—to do their own work. That means not just participating in the parent support group or parent coaching at The Dorm, but also engaging in their own therapy.
Several therapeutic modalities can be particularly helpful in addressing the stress and anxiety that come with feeling like they’re not measuring up as a parent. Parent coaching at The Dorm helps lay a foundation for building boundaries and shifting unproductive behavioral patterns with their loved one. On an individual level, evidence-based approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can be effective in dismantling unhelpful thought patterns that are keeping family members “stuck” in this type of anxiety.
For families just beginning their treatment journey, how can they begin to share about their experiences with family and friends who may not be as well-versed in mental health treatment?
The Dorm Clinician: One of the questions we explore with clients is: “How do I talk about being in treatment?” They want to be honest without oversharing, and they need language that feels authentic yet boundaried.
The same approach can help their parents. First, it’s important to make sense of your own narrative—understanding why your child is in treatment, trusting in the process, and feeling grounded in that reality. Then, anticipate moments when these conversations might arise—at graduation parties, holiday gatherings, or even unexpectedly at the grocery store.
Rather than feeling caught off guard, parents can prepare responses that feel truthful but don’t require full disclosure. The key is finding language that aligns with their values and comfort level—whether that’s saying, “They’re taking time to figure out their next steps,” or “They’re on their own path right now and I’m really proud of them.”
The more parents practice articulating this in a way that feels right for them, the easier these conversations become over time. It’s not about having a scripted response but about being intentional—knowing what you want to say, coming from a place of authenticity, and knowing your boundaries for sharing in a variety of settings.
Thank you for speaking with us today! Learn more about our Family Services at The Dorm.
